April 29, 2009

Reasons to Stay Fat

1.  It's way easier to shave my big round knees.

2.  My wrinkles are nonexistent.  I am plump and YOUNG, bitches.

3.  Stretchy clothes are comfortable.

4.  It feels good to be lazy and park it on the sofa to watch The Biggest Loser.

5.  I don't need a lap - I don't have kids or anything and my dogs are small.

6.  god made Spanx.

Reasons to NOT be Fat

1.  I'd much rather have sex when I'm skinny and no one will be crushed underneath me.

2.  People actually get to SEE my shaved knees, even with scabs, because I will wear hot little skirts.

3.  My $500 over-the-knee boots will fit again.

4.  I like having a JAWLINE.

5.  People confuse me with Angelina Jolie.

6.  Eleventy billion other reasons!!   I am ready to be SKINNY AGAIN.  OHMYGOD.  TAKE AWAY THE FAT ALREADY!   I HATE THIS WAITING GAME!!! 

April 23, 2009

I love skinny

but NO.

(Seriously LL, rib cage AND a crocheted dress?)

And my heart kind of breaks for the little idiot.
She needs a peanut butter cup and a friend.

Which is more disgusting?

Saggy, hangy skin on my thighs


Saggy, hangy skin on my stomach?

Either way, I win.

April 14, 2009

The product that is going to change my life

I just learned about these Skinny Jeans.  They squeeze you in, carve out inner thighs AND come in sizes up to 18.  
If my husband had a job, I would buy 3 pairs.


Check the proof!  (If *only* I was this skinny)

There are a ton more skinnying photos on their website.

Live Blogging!

Ladies (assuming),  I am getting ready to eat this:

This is green beans fried in 2 tablespoons of olive oil.

I have extremely high expectations of this event.

even with salt.

**UPDATE 2**

Apparently I am drunk because this shit's getting slightly more swallowable.


Remember that time one time on Saturday when we talked about losing so much weight and getting totally skinny by our Vegas trip?  

How's that going?

P.S.  For some reason, I love Tori Spelling and I REALLY love eensy weensy Tori Spelling

April 13, 2009

Ooga Booga!

Do you know what is the scariest thing on earth?

(other than the creepy divide between Pammy's implants)

Being hungry.  

Why on earth does that ache in my stomach make me panic?  As if I'm going to DIE if my stomach isn't full.
Seriously, today I got too hungry and then nearly knocked a woman down in my race to the food.  That is not an exaggeration.  
I was seriously so worked up that I almost knocked an old woman DOWN.