December 26, 2009

2010 makeover order of magnitude:



This is what's going down in 2010.

I visited Dr. Brandith Irwin a few weeks ago to learn what I can be doing to have better skin as I age (I am 33). She recommended Skinmedica Age Defense Retinol Complex (use at night) and Skinmedica Vitamin C + E Complex So far, so good. The retinol is great, although I am not sure it's any better than THIS miracle worker. I am going to get the tiniest bit of Botox, and a little Juvederm to fill my angry "elevens" before that wrinkle problem gets out of hand.

Next, I need to re-work my crap-ass diet. Coffee out, green tea in. More chicken, barley, salads and no sugar. None. I just made a 1200 calorie a day meal plan and ordered the groceries I will need for that. Plus no alcohol for the first week to kickstart things. I am going to investigate the wonders of acai, and eat more leafy greens. For real this time.

Haircut by Mia Leicht at Seven in Seattle is working wonders. The CHI has also been nothing short of a revelation. Also, John Frieda Glaze is keeping things shiny and dark brown.

Once my super-zaftig body is under control, I feel a breast reduction in my future. This seems like the kind of project I will wonder later why I didn't do sooner.

Fuck the year of the tiger. This is the Year of the Makeover, dammit.

December 6, 2009

This shit is *not* easy.

This shit sucks. Today was officially Not Good.

The update, friends, is that:
1. I lost 50 pounds and was on the right track to lose another 20 maybe.
2. I have been vegan since April.
3. I have been pretty diligent about going to bikram yoga 4- 5 times a week.

And then it all went down the shitter. I lost my magic. I began sorta noshing on things and now I'm up 10 pounds again. And still noshing. gfdamnit.

Today, even after your peptalk - eating.

dammmmmmnit.

September 5, 2009

In my arsenal

I've blogged about them before but ohmygod, I love these things:


Dr. Praeger's Tex Mex Veggie Burgers
Ingredients: Carrots, Black Beans, Onions, String Beans, Corn, Zucchini, Soybeans, Oat Bran, Peas, Red Pepper, Spinach, Expeller Pressed Canola Oil, Broccoli, Textured Soy Flour, Oat Fiber, Arrowroot, Jalepeno Peppers, Chili Powder, Garlic, Corn Meal, Corn Starch, Cilantro, Salt, Parsley, Black Pepper, All Natural Vegetable Gum.


I know it's engineered food but since you can actually SEE the whole soy beans and peas and broccoli in the patties it can't be bad. Plus, there are only 120 calories per patty. THAT'S IT.

I eat them bunless with tomatoes and mustard. Sometimes I wrap them in a lettuce leaf too.

August 31, 2009

Was this food made by assholes?

I had an epiphany recently that my approach to shedding my fleshy ass has always been about, you know, minimum effort required. Or about stupid food ideas like Atkins. Atkins works, there is no doubt. It works for a while. But it's hard to maintain and it's hard to reconcile bacon and vodka for dinner when you decide at the tender age of 33 that your liver is something you might want to take better care of.

So I was emailing JJ about deciding to just try to eat "clean food" instead. You can't really get fat on salad provided you don't pour a bunch of General Mills shit on top of it, right? Seems like it isn't really that hard. So my new criteria for putting food in my mouth is to ask:

"Was this food made by assholes?"

I think this should do it. By nature it will exclude anything over-processed and engineered with the deadly trio of sugar/fat/salt. It will also make eating meat from not-nice growers easy to exclude.

We'll see how this goes.

July 27, 2009

You're out.





Tara is my new bf.


We're going to scoot around in our pink bikinis trying to out-skin each other.

July 9, 2009

While you're in Italy?



















I'm floating my fat ass up to Alaska.

Everyone eats their way through a cruise, right?  Free buffet!  Free desserts!  Nothing to do but lie on a chair and booze it!

NOT ME.

Seeins how I've lost 44 pounds, I am NOT gaining an ounce next week.  I'm not eating one stupid thing on this cruise.  And truthfully, why would I?  I really doubt Holland America is bringing out the super high dollar grade A food for their mass consumption guests.  Why would I want to binge on shit?  And the idea of everyone gorging themselves on food for 7 days straight kinda makes me gag anyway.  I'm going to take the high ground and eat my veggies and my grains and come back THINNER.   Take that, Megan Fox.  I bet you can't get thinner!  

love,
J-to-the-J

May 27, 2009

I HAVE RIBS!




















<---  This is LIV TYLER.  What?  HOW?  I don't know.




btw, bitch, why don't you throw up a post or two?
And you owe me a double date with that hot personal trainer we discussed.
And weren't you going to report back to me on how great your detox is going?

Get ON it.


May 21, 2009

Is this what 48 years old looks like?























































I thought it would be younger for some reason.

She is 117 pounds now.  She lost 140 pounds!  

I did the research (via goog) and discovered that 5'4 and 117 pounds means you get to eat between 1800 and 1900 calories a day.

um, bullshit.  I am maintaining a 1200 to 1300 calorie a day vegan food plan and I AM IN NO DANGER OF BEING 117 POUNDS.

I am thinking about going back to bikram again.  And having my jaw wired shut.  Why doesn't anyone do that anymore?  I would like to offer up some potential candidates to bring back the jaw-wired-shut trend.

May 17, 2009

urp.

















Dude, I am so full I might pop.  

That photo above is baked cauliflower.  

Tonight I ate:
2 Dr. Prager TexMex bean burgers with lettuce and tomatoes
cauliflower baked up in the oven
baked sweet potato cubes  

So.  Full.

Might.  Die.

Low.  Calorie.




May 10, 2009

The Evolution...

Oh Keely Shaye Smith Brosnan, I feel your pain, girlfriend.    
I might look like this, too.
I refuse to look at myself below the neck.


























Is this really 145 pounds of Kirstie Alley?

I expect to look a t lot different at 145.  





















Probably more like this, the best I'm going to get...

(Some Cassidy chick in England? Never heard of of her.)

























And then I'll get this skinny.  After I'm dead and buried in the ground for 6 months.



























And then...

Enjoy!




















April 29, 2009

Reasons to Stay Fat

1.  It's way easier to shave my big round knees.

2.  My wrinkles are nonexistent.  I am plump and YOUNG, bitches.

3.  Stretchy clothes are comfortable.

4.  It feels good to be lazy and park it on the sofa to watch The Biggest Loser.

5.  I don't need a lap - I don't have kids or anything and my dogs are small.

6.  god made Spanx.


Reasons to NOT be Fat

1.  I'd much rather have sex when I'm skinny and no one will be crushed underneath me.

2.  People actually get to SEE my shaved knees, even with scabs, because I will wear hot little skirts.

3.  My $500 over-the-knee boots will fit again.

4.  I like having a JAWLINE.

5.  People confuse me with Angelina Jolie.

6.  Eleventy billion other reasons!!   I am ready to be SKINNY AGAIN.  OHMYGOD.  TAKE AWAY THE FAT ALREADY!   I HATE THIS WAITING GAME!!! 

April 23, 2009

I love skinny


























but NO.

(Seriously LL, rib cage AND a crocheted dress?)

And my heart kind of breaks for the little idiot.
She needs a peanut butter cup and a friend.



Which is more disgusting?

























Saggy, hangy skin on my thighs

or

Saggy, hangy skin on my stomach?




Either way, I win.


April 14, 2009

The product that is going to change my life

I just learned about these Skinny Jeans.  They squeeze you in, carve out inner thighs AND come in sizes up to 18.  
If my husband had a job, I would buy 3 pairs.

http://skinnyjeans.com/html/about.html

Check the proof!  (If *only* I was this skinny)


















There are a ton more skinnying photos on their website.


Live Blogging!

Ladies (assuming),  I am getting ready to eat this:




















This is green beans fried in 2 tablespoons of olive oil.

I have extremely high expectations of this event.



**Update**
      
     blah.
even with salt.


**UPDATE 2**

Apparently I am drunk because this shit's getting slightly more swallowable.

Hey



























Remember that time one time on Saturday when we talked about losing so much weight and getting totally skinny by our Vegas trip?  

How's that going?

P.S.  For some reason, I love Tori Spelling and I REALLY love eensy weensy Tori Spelling


April 13, 2009

Ooga Booga!

Do you know what is the scariest thing on earth?



























(other than the creepy divide between Pammy's implants)

Being hungry.  

Why on earth does that ache in my stomach make me panic?  As if I'm going to DIE if my stomach isn't full.
Seriously, today I got too hungry and then nearly knocked a woman down in my race to the food.  That is not an exaggeration.  
I was seriously so worked up that I almost knocked an old woman DOWN.

March 21, 2009

In re. JJ v. Boobs


























I hate my boobs.  I love my boobs.

I don't not want them.  They are great sometimes - like in a really low cut dress.  They can pretty much stop traffic some nights.
But they drive me nuts.

I am already, officially, even in Banana Republic sizes, NOT SMALL.  But things that should fit *do not fit* and it's mostly because of the jugs (I have to give the backfat a little love here too.) 

woe woe woe.  Big boobs is such a problem, yes?  Dolly Parton.  Pam Anderson.  Holly Madison.  I mean, clearly my career success is based on my boobs.  But what a pain they are.

On the flip side, when I am skinny the boobs DEFLATE - like into a puddle of skin, like pick them up as you would a kitten, by the scruff of the neck.  

As I have been losing my weight again (what?  doesn't everyone gain 40 pounds each fall?) I am watching the girls slowly slide away, towards the ground.

  ::hissssssssssssssssssssssssss::

March 15, 2009

My new diet

























Drink so much vodka Saturday night that I am sick for at least a week.  Voila.  Insta-thin.  

February 23, 2009

Oranges are like a fucking diet superfood.


Why? 85 calories and it took me like 1 hour to peel and consume. Those bitches are work! I am too tired now to hold a spoon and dig into the ice cream I was planning to eat.

Fucking oranges.

February 18, 2009

Love letters.

Real email exchange between us today:


JJ: 9:13 PM (1 hour ago)
SUBJECT: New diet food

Get frozen okra. defrost. Put it in a skillet with a pat of butter or a good glug of olive oil. Cook the crap out of it! Seriously, cook it until all the okra slime is gone and it's crispy and almost black. Grind salt over the top (from the special salt grinder I bought when we were in San Francisco and that reminds me of you).

FUCKING DELICIOUS.
No fatty carbs - only veggie carbs.



Decorno: 10:19 PM
SUBJECT: re: New diet food


Jesus christ. I totally lost my hard-on as soon as you said, "Frozen okra." I didn't even read the rest of this. You're just trying to crush my soul. Fuck you and the 15 pounds you have lost.

And I say that with love.

February 12, 2009

From the Desk of...



























Things I hate

1. Necklaces that create rolls of fat.  
Fuck you necklaces.

2. Slash-style pants pockets that bulge out and create unflattering lumps of what appear to be more rolls of fat.  
Fuck you slash pockets.

3. Panties that shimmy down and almost fall beneath the hem of your skirt while you're walking into work so that you have to take tiny baby steps with your thighs glued together until you can pop into the bathroom to remove them.  
Fuck you panties. 

February 8, 2009

ugh. double ugh.
















You know what I'm sick of? 

1. cooking.  I have cooked up a week's worth of chicken, a ranch's worth of beef and endless salads.  (Yes, I consider making salads to be cooking.  Don't fuck with me.  I'm off peanut butter cups and this whole ship could blow at the slightest provocation.)  My house stinks of burned flesh.  I am sick of cooking.  And I'm sick of figuring out a vegetable to eat.  What's the point of vegetables anyway?  Why don't they taste AWESOME?  I can say I like baked cauliflower but let's be honest, it's not fabulous.  I mean, it's fabulous as far as vegetables go, but seriously, Not Fabulous.

You know what else I'm sick of?

2. cleaning.  Cooking means dishes.  And when you burn everything to a tasty 
crisp, every single fucking dish has to be cleaned with like steel wool (which is basically an extra workout so I should shut the hell up.)  I am running the dishwasher every single day and sometimes TWICE a day depending on how ever many science experiments I conduct over the course of a day.  Sick of it.  Done. Over it.

I want a cook and a maid.  And Jozette, if you're reading this, I would take Sawyer first.   Except right now imagining Sawyer delivering me a piping hot dinner of hamburger patty and tomatoes ENRAGES ME, and his smirky fuckface attitude makes me even madder so I think I would slap him and then fire him (a la Miz Helmsley).  And then I would hire Jack to bring me eggs in the morning and I would feel sorry for him because he used to be so cute and now he's a whiny little bitch that doesn't deserve any action at all.  I would let him make my eggs and my baked cauliflower (and clean up afterwards, natch) and I would happily eat it because I'd think, "Poor Jack.  What a pathetic loser.  I'm so much better than him even if I can only eat chicken and salad."  (Fortunately, my husband is smoking hot so I can sleep with him and won't need whinypants for anything other than cooking and cleaning.)

And now I feel so much better that I can go to bed.  After I finish the dishes.



February 5, 2009

We're doing it.


























Jen and I are cutting the fat.  

Since I've been back on my food plan I've lost 12.5 pounds.  I know it's water weight and the weight of the hair I shaved off my legs and I.  don't.  care.  

40 more pounds to happy slut times!

P.S.  I'm not going to attribute any of my success to hot yoga but I will say that I've been 4 times in the last week.  mm hmmm.
oh, I also played soccer once but since I started a fight during that game, I'm not counting it as exercise.

January 26, 2009

oops.

Looks like I ain't the only one.  thank god.



January 24, 2009

January 17, 2009

JJ -



Is this what you will wear?

January 8, 2009

I'm going back to Cabo


Reason #1 to lose the gdmf weight





















Reason #2 to lose the gdmf weight





















Reasons courtesy of Boston Proper.  Who knew?

January 7, 2009

there's this thing


















So, blah blah blah a push up is the best possible workout for you because it works your arms, your shoulders, your abs, your back and your toes or something.  And this website thinks it can coach you into 100 pushups (of any variety) in six short weeks.
www.hundredpushups.com

I took the initial exhaustion test.  
FIVE.  
Five pushups from my KNEES.  gah.

But I'm going to follow the prescribed workout and see what I can do in six weeks.  Really.

I also joined the Discovery Health Challenge.
AND watched The Biggest Loser Couples.
I should be 120 by Valentine's Day.
Don't be jealous.

it's not all doom and gloom




I have thin:
fingers (size 4.5)
wrists
ankles
feet
nails
hair
birthing canal
skin


January 5, 2009

I forgot about those fucking calorie thingies

It's a tragic day.  I finally weighed myself.  

After literally two months of eating and eating and bingeing and starting over and bingeing and "not caring" and desperately wishing I was already thin, I finally weighed today and it's Not Pretty.  I didn't gain my entire 30 pounds back - only 24.  FUCK!

I went onto Fitday and pumped in yesterday's calories and they were a whopping 3000ish.  what the hell?  
I was shocked to learn that my brie snack was 500 calories! FIVE HUNDRED!  what?  
And that's when I realized that most people actually watch calories.  They "watch what they eat" in terms of calories, not like me, watching chunk after chunk of brie slide down the gullet.  damn.

Last night I pulled out photos of myself from 2004 when I was skinny and my Gwyneth jeans hung off me.  I made my man look at them with me and tell me each time how smokin' hot I was.  After my trip down memory lane and the weigh-in this morning, I was more motivated than I have been in MONTHS.  I ate a 200 calorie breakfast and just now had a grapefruit for a snack.  I *know* how to do this, I've just chosen not to in the past.  I used all that nasty grubby food to make me feel better, entertain me, punish myself for eating, etc.  And now I'm not.  

And I swear to god, this is not a resolution thing.  I haven't even told my man that I'm more motivated than ever because I don't want to set myself up for failure.  I'm just *actually* doing better.

Yes, I'm craving butterscotch chips right now (which is bizarre and maybe I am pregnant or something) but I don't need to eat them.

This summer we are going to whatever hot club your iphone points us to and we're picking up guys.