August 16, 2008

oh are you fucking kidding me?

I have been 167, 167.5, 165, 167 for the last week. I want to kill someone. What is wrong with my fat ass? I want this shit GONE.

And now, it looks like I am going to have a Pamela Anderson Lee Rock Lee Solomon Lee bikini wedding in Mexico at the end of the year. How do I put this poundage in a swimsuit and expose it to friends and family?
I need some sort of bootcamp.
I need a boob job.
I need meth.

7 comments:

mamacita said...

Yeah, it's a real shame that meth makes your teeth fall out, though. You could take your wedding pictures in a bikini, but you couldn't smile at all.

How is it that you have to wear a swimsuit around your family? Can't you just get married in a Mexican church and spend your honeymoon on the beach?

Lee said...

Cut out dinner? Or turn dinner into broccoli, popcorn and red wine, small portions. Preferably, just the glass of red wine, some popcorn.

And do you have to wear a swimsuit? Boyshorts, maybe, and a cute bra/top-ish thing?

decorno said...

Mamacita... you're seriously one of the finest comedy writers working today. You kill me. It's the casual seriousness of your absurdist observations.

Mint Julep said...

Calm down JJ. Try the bootcamp thing. I heard it works. But wait until it's closer to the wedding date. You'll probably lose a good amount of weight really fast so do it like 2 weeks before the wedding.

JJ said...

After doing the math, I've actually been this weight for almost a month. UNACCEPTABLE.

Today it was on the high end again! FURY!

But I've realized that my exercise program has slipped and so I've made some changes. Last week I started running again and this week I am scheduled to get back to hot yoga at least twice.

mamacita said...

Turn dinner into broccoli??

How 'bout we fat bitches just wrap you in bacon and eat YOU?

fashion herald said...

and don't forget that PBS meth special, where they showed how much the addicts aged, SCARY. how about a trainer for just a couple weeks to vary your workout.