May 3, 2008

Butter + flour + magic + lard + chicken fat + crisco = croissant

No Croissants.
Exhibit A: Thursday a very obese woman* sat down next to me at the office cafe with a large croissant and a large stick of butter. She proceeded to rip the croissant in half (top from bottom)and attempted to smear cold, hard butter inside the criossant. After she spread a thick layer of butter into the already buttery croissant she smooshed the top back on the thing and ate it like a hamburger. Cold, oily croissant with an inch of cold butter. I vomited.

Exhibit B: Friday I was getting 2 eggs in the cafe and another very very obese woman sauntered in and ordered her usual, a croissant with sausage, eggs and cheese. The chef whipped up her death sandwich and I watched her waddle away with a deflated croissant drowning in fat. My stomach flipped not just from disgust but from feeling sad for the lady.
Exhibit C: Someone I love dearly recently wrote me that she had a not-for-the-better life changing experience with a chocolate chip croissant,

"After I took my first bite, I realized the chocolate chips they use to make the tasty chocolate filling had not melted down, so it truly looked like a bunch of rabbit poop stored away inside the safe pillow of flaky pastry. "

Do you see what's going on here?
Croissants are just another way the terrorists are winning.
This country is going to pot, one thousand croissant calories at a time.

Kirstie on the left: no croissants
Kirstie on the right: croissants between meals

*I have street cred on the obese thing. So stop before you start.


Inez said...

It probably makes me a bad person, but seeing an overweight person order and/or eat something really unhealthy makes me feel sick, too. It's like watching a train wreck... Obviously, they can do what they like with their body, but ugh.

visual vamp said...

...stop you're killing me - i can't stop laughing and i'm spitting croissant crumbs all over my butter smeared PJ top....