April 16, 2008

Fuck Mother Fucking Weight Watchers.


Turducken! Ha. Yes.

Restaurants. They can never just serve up grilled shrimp, right? It's always got to be "Stuff JJ Can Eat Dipped In Batter, Fried, And Then Stuffed Into A Bloomin' Onion." Lovely.



JJ, my backfat is bothering me. Not just that I *have* it. That bothered me like 3 months ago, so it's old news. It's bothering me MORE. I don't just have that under-bra fold of fat... I have 3 pound chicken cutlets of flesh dangling off of my shoulder blades.

That is fucked up.


Also, I thought I would give Weight Watchers a whirl. What a joke. I signed up and tried to cancel immediately:

I will spare you all 8 email messages I exchanged with them, but thought I would share the best parts:


*************

Dear D,


When you subscribed to Weight Watchers® Online and submitted your payment, you agreed to the terms and conditions set forth in the Subscription Agreement. The individual subscriber is responsible for the terms of their subscription including the price plan under which they are billed. Due to these terms, you are eligible to receive a $18.10 refund.

However, while it is not our policy, customer service is very important to us and we have been authorized to credit your account for $35.05. This credit covers your subscription cost less the non-refundable $29.95 sign-up fee. The Subscription Agreement specifies that the sign-up fee is non-refundable. You should see this credit on your next credit card statement. Your subscriber account has been cancelled effective today.

The sign-up fee gives you access to proprietary information (including explanatory information concerning the Weight Watchers diet), whereas the monthly fee gives you access to the tools and resources to follow the diet on the Web.

Much like a buying a CD, DVD or software, what you purchased is predominantly proprietary intellectual property (the music, the movie or the program). Like many companies who sell these products, our policy is that once you have access to the product, your payment is non-refundable. As we have no way of knowing if or how much of the diet you have used for your personal benefit, we cannot refund the sign-up fee.

By clicking on the link below, you may refer to our subscription agreement for additional inquiries you may have regarding our refund policies.

http://www.weightwatchers.com/legal/subagreement.aspx

Sincerely,
Tracey
Customer Service Associate
www.weightwatchers.com


*****************


Hi Tracey,

I thank you for your help. We have certainly made progress.

As you see from my messages below, I am completely underwhelmed by the service I found on your site. You indicate that you are withholding the $29.95 because "much like a CD" I have somehow accessed magical proprietary information.

I am especially amused by this statement:

"As we have no way of knowing if or how much of the diet you have used for your personal benefit, we cannot refund the sign-up fee." Well, in the less than hour I spent on your site, I realized it had (a) poor user interface. It was hardly intuitive for me to even figure out where to enter my goal weight and (b) it told me nothing about a non-point-counting diet (basically YOUR company's rip-off of Atkins or South Beach) that can't be found here, in its entirety:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Beach_diet


I hope you and your company understand, I was hoping - PRAYING - for some kind of magical "proprietary" information to help me lose some weight and get into shape. What I found in my less-than-60 minutes of cruising around your site as a member is nothing of the sort. I can't even imagine what this "proprietary" information is on your site.


I would like the full amount refunded. This is the 3rd time I have had to ask. I do not understand why I have to keep asking for this. Why do I get better service from Nordstrom or Lowe's? Even other online subscription services with truly proprietary information have been far more accommodating. If someone tells them "Sorry, but I am underwhelmed by the service you offer," most companies would shrink in embarrassment and simply refund the money.


I have a LOT of time on my hands. Please do not make me use it to waste your company resources in pursuing my full refund. I will.


Kindest regards,
D



Don't mess with a hungry bitch. That's all I'm sayin'.

7 comments:

JJ said...

You did NOT send them that.

Nuh-uh.

I don't believe it.

btw, I just snorted diet 7Up out my snout.

decorno said...

Yeah, I did. For realz.

I am taking all my anger at my fucking CHICKEN CUTLET BACKFAT and sending it their way.

Fuck you and your fucking points, Weight Watchers.

jozette said...

"I have a LOT of time on my hands. Please do not make me use it to waste your company resources in pursuing my full refund. I will."

Best. Line. Ever.

Richie Designs said...

i *heart* you

Sucker For Marketing said...

omg, you are the best! I think I love you!

jenny-fair said...

My thighs touch and have since junior high, so I think we can be friends.
D--I LOVE your response to them. I think I may save it as a template and use it as my kick-ass form letter when requesting refunds from sucky companies.

JJ said...

You know, this is the key to happiness. You need to send threatening letters to everyone who has even looked at you wrong.

All the typing will shake the cutlet fat off your back = skinny.

I know a lawyer....SGM, we're going to need your services here, sweetie.